“Love conquers all”,
“The love of my life”, “Love makes the world go round”, these are among the
most popular idioms/phrases that have been passed on over millennia, from
generation to generation that have shaped how we perceive and think about the
concept of love today. It seems there is a boundless number of stories and
teachings about the concept of love, yet there are still more people writing
about it, with different takes on it. One would think that someone would have
cracked it by now. Love as a concept is its own paradoxical realm that seems to
exist distinctly; there are many ways to describe what it is, some ways
contradict others and yet all may be true. Love is unique to each and every
person and yet we all have a universal understanding of what it is or rather
what it should be.
Love or what we
perceive it to be can be inherited or shaped by internal and external factors.
Internal factors being teachings from our grandparents/parents and what we
observe through their actions towards a partner, close family, friends,
unfamiliar people and us respectively; external factors being how we observe
other people and their family dynamics (people not within close proximity),
movies/tv and books; all through the process of what feels right and wrong to
us and the ability to learn and unlearn as it may evolve as we grow older.
Over time it has (still
is) been shaped by cultural beliefs, religious views and philosophy – the
universal idea of love is encompassed by three components, namely: intimacy,
commitment and passion. Through these components we have established the five
types of love in Eros, Philia, Storge, Agape and
Philautia; and the five love languages in words of affirmation, quality
time, physical touch, gifts (giving) and acts of
service respectively, of which are considered expressions of love.
The types of love help
distinguish between platonic and romantic love and expands on the different
complexities of love: how to love in conjunction to the different ways to love.
Eros, which is also referred to as romantic love
is the most primal of all the different types of love; it can evolve into these
two sub-entities in: Ludus and Mania (one is the positive
approach to eros while the other is a result of negative eros) it is only compatible
in romantic relationships. It is regarded as the most primal love owed to the fact
that it is based on the premise of erotic stimulation or sexual attraction – it
is a love based on or prompted by the human need or urge for sexual stimulation
or satisfaction/release. This makes this kind of love transient, meaning it is
impermanent or short-lived because beauty and an amazing physique are not
things that last forever which alludes to sexual attraction being a thing that
fades over time. However, this is the most addictive of all the types of love
and may result in infatuation or love bombing when it is not intentional or aligned
with genuine intentions of courtship.
Infatuation is an
intense short-lived passion or admiration for someone – linked with the word
fatuous which means silly or pointless/without intention; Love bombing is
influencing/manipulating someone else with the intense demonstration of
attention and affection. These are examples of Mania, which is also
referred to as obsessive love. A love based on the premise of
survival and the need for someone else to justify one’s existence – it is seen
in acts of jealousy and possessiveness. The focus is singular where one is only
concerned about personal gain more than they are the other person involved and ultimately
trying to establish a symbiotic relation. It is characterised as toxic, one-sided
and parasitic.
The other kind of Eros,
of which is also referred to as Ludus, more commonly known as playful/intentional
love (the flirting and beginning stages of a relation) is when both
parties intentionally make plans to be more exposed to one another with the
intention of dating to explore the admiration shared between one another to
potentially be in a relationship – this is done through childlike and
flirtatious behaviour of which helps establish the feeling of safeness and of trust.
This love is based on astral (emotional) stimulation which may result in one
being giddy, excited, interested and involved as it relates to the person they
are courting. The idea is to evaluate and gradually progress through the three
stages of “we are dating”, “we are seeing each other” and “we are in a
relationship”, in that particular order. Each stage is significant in its own
unique way in the process of trying to get to know someone with the intention
of dating them – they help both parties become more and more familiar.
Philia, which is also referred to as affectionate or brotherly
love can be love without romantic attraction but it is not limited to
that (it can also be between lovers). This is love for friends, family or
individuals that one may consider equal to. It is based on establishing trust
of which involves distinguishing whether or not one can be able to rely on the
other person to support one through turbulent times or if one can confide in
them with either good or bad news; establishing common ground of which involves
finding one another relatable in either personality, character and interests or
all of the mentioned aspects. This includes people whom we think we can trust,
relate to and grow with, recognised via character surveillance through
exchanging beliefs and imperfections. This can evolve into Pragma, also
referred to as enduring love.
Pragma is a mature love that develops over time; it is an
etheric (spiritual) kind of bond built on respect, commitment, dedication and
purpose that almost becomes second nature. Both individuals must continue to
evolve with one another while simultaneously seeking and showing effort.
Storge, also referred to as familial love is
the love of parents for children and the love of a childhood friend or best
friend. It is a love based on memories and is the only kind of love that is
present without corrosion - it too can evolve into Pragma because of how
authentic and natural it is. One shares familial love with the people one can
share impactful moments and memories with – these are people one would
sacrifice one’s time, self and personal pleasures for.
Agape, of which is also referred to as selfless/Godly
love is the love of mankind. This love is modelled on the love of God.
God is ever-loving, forgiving and resolute in love, forgiveness and compassion.
This means it is an unconditional giving of self in dedication to be kind,
helping those in need and deliberately and consciously contributing with
goodness towards society; it also involves spreading love regardless of
hostility or any other circumstance. This is significant in knowing and
understanding forgiveness and loving others as one would love oneself.
The last (but not
least) type of love is Philautia, the love of self;
probably the most important type of love owed to the fact that one cannot pour
from an empty cup - meaning that one cannot love someone else without loving oneself
first. With this kind of love, one must acknowledge one’s own responsibility
for one’s own well-being. Holding oneself accountable means establishing
structures and systems that will help one actively manage, nurture and evaluate
one’s mental health, physical and emotional wellbeing. This includes consciously
being around people that complement these structures, systems and one’s peace
and safe spaces. Managing both internal and external factors to reach
equilibrium or harmony in a way that one can maintain and sustain this harmony.
The depth of love that one shows oneself equates to the depth of love one can
offer to someone else.
When it comes to the
expressions of love one can rank them in relation to what makes one feel loved/appreciated.
This helps one establish priority between the different expressions of love
which helps one when it comes to educating their potential partner or friend on
how they wish to be loved and seen/acknowledged. We teach people how to love us
and play an integral part in how people treat us.
Words of affirmation as an expression of love is all about words and how
impactful they are - it is compatible in romantic and platonic relationships.
To affirm is to assert, confirm, emphasize or support in relation to emotional
support, respect, reassurance and encouragement. This can be in the form of
effusive words (words used to express gratitude, pleasure or approval), words
of endearment or “sweet little nothings” (to someone who appreciates words of
affirmation they are “sweet little somethings”). To the people that consider
words of affirmation to be a priority in their relations, yes, words do matter:
they care about how they are spoken to at all times and what one says and
sometimes what they do not say can equally be as impactful.
To someone who would
not consider it to be their preferred expression of love or maybe struggle with
this kind of expression, it is important that one stays themselves; it is
principle to people who do consider it to be an important expression of love that
one says what they mean and means what they say. One must not say things
because that is what they think the other person wants to hear: when apologising,
one must make it clear what one is apologising for; when expressing gratitude,
one must make it clear what one is thankful for and so on – being sincere is paramount.
Words can either build or destroy someone – this expression is often used to
affirm worthiness or appreciate and acknowledge value. It is important to know
that one can also affirm themselves as one also has a relationship with oneself
– this hones self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-care. It is the best way
to translate emotions and feelings. To some people that prioritise this
expression of love, it is not only subject to how one speaks to them, it is equally
important to them how you speak to all people.
Quality time is the expression of love based on the premise of
dedicating time towards someone – it is compatible in romantic and platonic
relationships. It is everything within the spectrum of planning dates,
activities, running errands together to random visits – anything that encompasses
the importance of presence. People who consider quality time to be an important
expression of love consider time spent together very special and sacred – they feel
appreciated and prioritised as a result. These people demand one’s undivided
attention – things such as eye contact (to romantically involved people; it enriches
the moment), when someone listens to understand and only then responds
(indicates awareness/full presence and focus), having time to talk or be
together in the beginning of the day and towards the end of the day, a random
drive by or checking in and staycations (stay in vacations) are among things
they value the most.
It is important for
one to stay conscious of the fact that these people are people that get quite
upset when plans get cancelled/postponed as it makes them feel neglected or as
if one is withholding their love. They appreciate having something to look
forward to – so the anticipation of being with their favourite person is just
as exciting as being with their favourite person. Goes without saying that
these are people that are vigilant to patterns.
Acts of service is a love expression that is all about dedicated time
and effort through thoughtful gestures in attempt to make things easier for
someone or to prove that they are a reliable person by “showing up” – it is
compatible in romantic and platonic relationships. To these people “actions
speak louder than words”. It is solely based on the premise of reliability as a
result it makes the person on the receiving end of this expression feel taken
care of, safe and loved – with their gratitude the other person feels
appreciated and seen. This means taking initiative to assist with burdens and responsibilities
but it is not exclusive to those things – this includes anything in relation to
improving and complementing the other person’s quality of life. It is not an
obligation - it is something that is very appreciated and holds more value when
done genuinely.
It is principle to know
what one brings to the table in those regards – that way, one knows their
capabilities and functions within those capabilities. It is just as important
to communicate or make the other person aware of one’s capabilities to avoid
them feeling as though they are involved with someone who is not supportive or
not supportive enough - this also helps in avoiding unnecessary pressure which
may lead one to hyper-extend themselves; keeping expectation reasonable is
healthy because one can maintain and live up to them.
Proof that it is not only
about grand gestures is that it may involve a gesture as small as buying
someone their favourite chocolate in attempt to cheer them up – it may be seen
as a frivolous gesture at surface level as an act but the intention to help improve
someone’s mood can also be considered an act of service; therefore, intention is
more important than the act. This requires one to be hyper-vigilant and to be a
great listener as observation can only make light of so much – communication is
key; expressing how one wants to be supported is always ideal as no one is a
mind-reader. As much as it is about thoughtful gestures it is equally about
showing gratitude towards that effort and time. This expression of love
requires a lot of frequent communication.
Physical touch is an expression of love that is based
on the premise of embracing someone physically – it is only compatible in a romantic
relationship with the exception that one can hug their friends, family or an acquaintance
(maybe even hold a friend’s hand). More often than not it is mistaken for sex whereas
in reality it may involve sexual intercourse, yes, though it is physical embracing
to feel relaxed and safe, not with the intention of having sexual intercourse.
It is important to know the other persons preference when it comes to receiving
physical embrace. This may include anything from kissing, hugging, holding hands, sex, to small gestures like an arm around someone’s shoulder.
Physical touch is very
closely associated with feel good hormones such serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin.
These are all the hormones produced during skin-to-skin contact with someone
one particularly adores.
Serotonin regulates
one’s mood and is responsible for happiness and controls one’s sexual desire. It
also helps regulate sleeping patterns (when one wakes and sleeps). Dopamine is responsible
for pleasure, satisfaction and motivation. It is also important in learning,
sleep, concentration, mood and body movements. Oxytocin like serotonin and
dopamine is important in sexual arousal and is also closely associated with
trust and romantic attachment.
Not all people who
consider this expression of love are comfortable with public displays of
affection and it is not subject to just physical touch – it can involve
smiling, winking, blowing kisses and other expressions of physical admiration
without touch. The misconception is that physical touch is a love language for people
with a high sex drive – a high sex drive does not mean that it is your love language
or that one is even expressing physical touch as an expression of love. This
love expression requires consent.
Gifting, contrary to popular belief is not about materialism as
much as it is not about money. It is a love expression based on the premise of sentiment,
association and acknowledgement – it is compatible in romantic and platonic
relationships. People who consider this an important expression of love
appreciate gifts because it is the epitome of “I was thinking about you” and
they can use the gift as a token of love to remind them of a particular moment,
memory or feeling.
It may include grand
or expensive gifts but is not subject to them because a grand or expensive gift
does not deem it valuable. People who are great listeners and are very hypervigilant
are the ones who are great at gifting. It is about how well you know the other person.
However, the idea it portrays of “you think about me even when I am not around”
can hold significant value. People who prioritise gifting are people that are
very big on birthdays, anniversaries and holidays such as Thanksgiving and
Christmas. They want to feel seen, cared for and prized. They also value random
gifting and feel that one listens and is present when loved effectively within
this love expression.
There is too much emphasis on receiving gifts whenever gifting is the topic of conversation but
it is equally about showing gratitude, reciprocating the effort shown and
emphasizes on shared sentimental value between two people.
Understanding all the
expressions of love is important, even though one might not consider a
particular one as important or of preference. This is significant as we meet or
have different people who rank these expressions of love differently to us, in
our lives that still require us to love them in their preferred love language.
It is completely possible that one loves someone and that person does not feel loved;
this can either be because one does not understand a certain love expression well
enough or they love or project their own preferred expressions of how they wish
to be loved on to other people. It is principle for any individual to be
conscious of the fact that relationships that we have with other people have very little to do with us and are almost entirely based on the other person.
All we have to do is give time and effort to learn about them and be committed
to it as they equally invest time, effort and commitment to teaching us.
In order to love
someone effectively one must be willing to learn and to be taught by the person
how they would prefer to be seen and be committed to maintaining and sustaining
the relationship by evolving together – this is the only way we can retain
people we love in our lives and maintain healthy relationships with them. It is
also quite apparent that we have to hone our teaching skills as this only works
when we are thorough and patient enough in how we teach. The curriculum stays
relatively the same (there is bound to be changes as we do not stay the same; we
are everchanging beings) but it is also paramount to take note to be aware of
people’s learning styles when imparting this curriculum.
Philautia is the most common denominator when it comes to the
types of love and all the expressions of love. It is the cup in which one can
pour from. Words of affirmation can help one harness more Philautia in
order to nurture self and all of one’s relationships. Both of them together create
a social battery which is the tolerance and stamina in relationships to the
ongoing application ourselves relationships require from us and how much of ourselves
we can offer.
Romantic relationships
are a combination of Eros, physical touch and Philia.
Without Philia romantic relationships are solely based on lust or just
physical attraction - it is hard to build anything concrete if it is just based
on physical attraction which in turn might manifest into Mania as there
is not quite an intention in alignment, inspiring the courtship. Ludus
makes it possible to ensure an intention is being developed as the parties
spend more time together. When one is deliberately attempting to get to know someone,
they build a basis to develop an intention as one grows to be fond of someone;
in light of that one will attempt to be in alignment with them.
Platonic relationships
are a combination of Philautia, Storge and Agape. Platonic
relationships include friends, family, acquaintances and the general public. We
have different relationships with different people and a relationship can
merely be two people who find common ground through something they both find to
be relatable but in order for the relationship to grow the level of relation
must grow - this is the beginning stage of Pragma. It seems that the
level of relation to someone equates to the importance of the relationship. People
we relate to the most, more often than not are people who we cherish the most. The
most fundamental thing to denote about love and relationships is that both
parties have to constantly choose one another – in this we see that all
relationships are purposeful and probably the ones that suffer have lost
purpose for different reasons or are being starved. We only water relationships
that complement and serve in the mission of it operating within our best
interests. Ultimately, we wish all relationships to improve and complement our
quality of life which further puts emphasis on the importance of intention, not
only in relationships but in everything. Good morals and intentions are the best
foundation to any kind of relationship and how one chooses to express love, show
appreciation and acknowledge someone.
