Stipend.

 Hi

To whom it may concern...

I have high functioning depression.

I’ll get “high”, go to functions anything really to get me out of this recession.

I’m numb half the time -

Melancholy creeps up on me. 

I’ll spring up sometimes but most of time I feel like winter. Damn, I thought that jump start will get me going.

I feel sessile, an immobile car in a yard helplessly waiting on my impending doom. It’s looming on the horizon. You need to catch me while I’m hot because I’m cold at times.

Everything to everyone except myself or maybe I find it hard to accept myself... and or my circumstances. Music is my favourite escape but I can’t face the music?

I’m slipping through the cracks. My passive behaviour isn’t helping. I’m the problem and the solution yet I can’t quite figure things out.

I’m ready to glean. I’m ready to sow yet I look at my garden and I can’t even smell the roses. Pensive and anxious, chasing cheques but it seems I need to figure out how to cash this reality check first.

I need to reap before the reaper comes for me.

The "Beautiful Mess" effect

It has been said that other people view us in a more positive light (perceive us with a high construal) when we show or are not afraid to show our vulnerability/flaws. Some view it as a sign of courage (but some view it as a sign of weakness). “Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me”. Allowing oneself to be vulnerable feels very uncomfortable short-term but has more rewards long-term.

If one stays true to oneself, it will be easier to know if other individuals accept/like one for who one truly is. People will find it easier to relate and connect – this helps others reciprocate this energy and actions in how they interact with one. One is more susceptible to intentional expressions of vulnerability through actions such as admitting mistakes, seeking help, apologizing (first), and/or confessing one’s intentions/feelings.

“How strongly have you shown courage”? Self-disclosure can become difficult owing to a low construal level. A low construal level is when one views their flaws concretely – this pertains to focusing on the present with great detail via secondary peripheral features that have nothing to do with the bigger picture. These can be things that are beyond one’s control – this leads to ultimately reducing oneself to a subordinate thinker and susceptible to focus on all negative aspects of the scenario. A high construal level allows us to view flaws more abstractly – one will only focus on the details that matter most in aiding one in reaching their ideal scenario. One only focuses on what they can change and actively try to do well in those tasks or within those parameters.

Ignoring imperfections or pretending that they do not exist only leads on the path of a self-defeating cycle – this will result in one attempting to please others without accepting oneself first. Hone self-talk – develop self-dialogue that will facilitate for constant reflection of self. Be open to learning with the intention of overcoming your flaws. Be a beautiful mess.

Kintsugi mirrors life.

What is life? Life can be described to be the stages between birth and death – a series of experiences including the capacity of growth, reproduction, and continual change preceding death. A much simpler description of life is that it can be described as the state of existence.

Life is very complex – there is no manual or instructions that we all have access to, to tackle life. We all experience and see life differently therefore; we all formulate or adopt philosophies that we consider to be aligned with how we experience and see life – all this is facilitated by the process of trial-and-error. Of all philosophies/ideologies, Kintsugi might be the closest thing to perfect as it can work for anyone and everyone.

Kintsugi (meaning golden joinery) is a Japanese artform of the Wabi-Sabi zen ideals. Wabi-Sabi embodies the acknowledgement and acceptance of transience and imperfection – characteristics of the Wabi-Sabi philosophy represent and promote the ideas of incompleteness, impermanence and imperfection.  

The artform of Kintsugi pertains to the process at which broken ceramics are repaired; as part of the object’s history or the preservation of the object. The object is mended together with a lacquer resin that is mixed with powdered gold. This is done with no attempt to disguise the damage – redefining the idea of wholeness.

Stages of Kintsugi include: The break, embracing the brokenness/damage and surveying the pieces (with the purpose to formulate the best way possible to restore wholeness), connecting the pieces and the final product.

·         The break – represents failure, disappointment or grievances

·         Embracing the brokenness and surveying the pieces – represents the acknowledgement of a grievance and actively evaluating how one got to that point. This entails formulating ways to overcome the issue at hand in attempt to make sure that it does not happen again.

·         Connecting the pieces – represents the implementation of the solutions established.

·         The final product – This with the powdered gold represent the glory of overcoming or reaching wholeness from a break.

Every crack represents a story – the artform also cultivates the idea of not being wasteful as one would not throw themself away (give up) after a break (experiencing failure, disappointment or grievances) – this reinforces the idea of preservation that Kintsugi is fundamentally about.

Be a different hue.

A fall short of or just a fall?

Being able to be strong for others and not be able to be strong for oneself  is weird. It’s odd how one can be everything they’ve  ever wished for to others  (or at least try to be)  but come up short for oneself.

Anticipating the grim reaper.

The only way to prepare for death is to appreciate people before they leave. That is the only way you can prepare for what is inevitable. That is the only way to be at peace in the midst of a departure via death.

Inspired by my shortcomings.

Everything has significance.

Disappointment, melancholy, heartache and any other feeling or state of mind related to not being happy allows one to see one’s soul.

It’s like one is perfectly aligned for direct communication and observation of the soul.

We grieve all the time.

We grieve for plenty of things that we don’t always admit to.

We usually look to other people for healing when we know or in actuality can only be healed by ourselves. I realised that 90% of being happy is acceptance and acknowledgment, of anything and everything (with knowing what you can and cannot change of course)- the first step to getting there is always denial or just questioning change. Change is good.

Allow yourself to go through the motions, react and reflect.

Play the hand you’ve been dealt.

Your intuition is the soul’s form of intellect - follow it.